Dauntless

Dauntless...

Fear has ruled most of my life. Fear of rejection, fear of the future, fear of being alone. I am not overcome by fear anymore. It doesn't overwhelm me. Yes, episodes of fear can still creep up but it doesn't  cripple me. 

God has made me dauntless. My fear is abating day by day and in its place is supernatural courage. Without my complete confidence in God's love and acceptance I would never be able to share my pain with you. We say that experiences shape our lives. No, I say its God's goodness and the degree of our total trust and acceptance of His love for us through the reading of his Word that shapes our future.

I cry at the Shriner's commercials. I mean who doesn't hurt to see children hurting. What is weird is I did this even as a child. I cried not because the children would have a hard road ahead of them. I didn't cry because those sweet bodies would have to learn how to walk. I cried because I knew they would be ostracized, bullied, ridiculed, and excluded. I did the same for St. Jude commercials. I didn't understand cancer. I just worried about the kids loosing their hair. Feed the children commercials upset me too because the kids looked unkempt. There is a pattern here. I was focused on looks.

I cried because I saw myself in those children. 

It all began when I was in elementary school. I was never picked for the games on the playground. I remember walking the playground at Apollo Elementary School completely alone. It was almost a relief on the days when we couldn't go outside to play. But this wasn't the bad part. 

I would have preferred being alone than to what was to come next.

In middle school two events took place that would forever change my life. They were both good and bad at the same time. One, I was continually bullied for my lazy eye and two, my father made a mistake that heaped shame on my family. There was a young girl in middle school that loved to torture me. I never developed a poker face. She knew it hurt me and made her want to insult me more. It wasn't enough that she spit on me, dumped cups of water on me at a dance, or made sure others didn't like me. Oh no, she had her group of friends treat me the same way. Her gang of haters liked to hurl insults at me so that they wouldn't be picked on themselves. Knowing this is why they mistreated me didn't lessen the hurt.

I had learned not to be alone because that was when I would really get abused.

I remember telling my parents I didn't want to go to school. They were confused because they knew that I loved school. I excelled in all of my classes and I loved to read. It didn't end at school.

Now, the kids on the bus were teasing me too. I began taking Bible verses on note cards with me on the bus. I used these for encouragement and it helped to get through my day. It was no longer just this girl's group of friends. It had branched out to other parts of the school. The gym and the bus were the worst part of my day. I literally wanted to disappear. I was also bullied in dance class. My favorite thing was to dance. That activity was taking away from me too. The irony was that when I stopped going because the bullying had gotten so bad these girls wanted to know why I quit. Thankfully, my faith grew stronger at this time in my life.

While middle school was hard I learned a good lesson. I learned the people I aligned myself with would make me who I am. I chose which team I wanted to play on and never looked back. I had God to guide me in the wisdom of choosing godly friends. Isn't middle school tough for everyone? I had a family member tell me one time, "Who hasn't been bullied?" And I replied, "Well, that is just sad. You are minimizing  my pain because you believe everyone has walked through my shoes. And I hope everyone isn't bullied because the world is made of up a bunch of misfits."  I am thankful NOW that I wasn't included in the fast crowd but at the time it hurt terribly. I was able to cast off their lifestyle. I am thankful they REJECTED me so that I would one day, with my Father's help, reject the values by which they lived. 

During middle school, my dad made some poor choices that affected us financially and emotionally. His sin was all over the community. It was a big line item at my church that my father had sinned and in a major way. I was old enough to know what was going on. I knew what my father had done and I carried his shame with me to school, to dance class, and to church. I was embarrassed and none of the other kids' parents wanted me to play with them. At least, this is how I felt. My small circle had grown even smaller. Later, I would learn to have compassion for the sinner because I forgave my Dad. Also, when I sinned I was able to look at how God restored Him. My dad's growth gave me hope after the hurt.

At this time I started hanging out with youth students from another church. Cypress Baptist Church became our new church home. Brother Billy Pierce became our pastor.  It was there that I delved deeper in the Word. It was at Cypress that I began to act and sing. It was at Cypress that I felt accepted. It was at Cypress that I healed. I have lasting friendships from that church even though I don't still live in the same community. I am very thankful for the people there that didn't see my eye or my father's sin as a way to exclude me. It was there my husband was baptized after accepting Christ. It was there that I told the deacons about our youth pastor doing questionable things with our youg boys in our church. Yep, my circle closed a little more again. It hurts when you know you are doing the right thing, the moral thing and adults that are your Sunday School teachers at church insult you and your family. With time that issue was resolved but boy did that one hurt. No one said standing up for others would be easy. 

So, after high school I moved six hours away to get away from it all. I mean everything. Start fresh and everything would be alright for me. What I didn't know was that when you get a girl out of her community of support her confidence could fade. Also, I didn't realize that when you loose a firm grip on the word and your faith will falter. I didn't continue to study God's word. I didn't find a new church community. I stopped meditating on God's word and therefore forget the depths of God's love for me. 

Thankfully, I returned to God. He never lost his hold on me. As an adult negative thoughts hovered in the back of my subconscious. Questions would permeate my every relationship. Why was I never chosen for things? Why did I get rejected continually and on every front? Why did I have a lazy eye? Why God? 

I don't know the answer to any of those questions. I know there are things that will always be a mystery to me until I get to Heaven. This is what I do know:

-We are called by God to be His people and we are loved.

Roman 9:25 "Those who were not my people, I will now call my people. And I will love those whom I did not love before."- God says in the prophesy of Hosea about the Gentiles. 

-God finds us precious and worthy to be bought with a price. The price was costly (death and resurrection of Jesus) and final.

1 Corinthians 6:20 "for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body."

-He knew what He was doing when He created you and I. We are His beautiful workmanship. 

Psalm 139:13-14 "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous-and how well I know it."

-We will not drown in our difficulties and Jesus is there with us every step of the way. God gave these other nations to Persia in exchange for returning the Jews to their homeland. God gave us Jesus as a ransom for our sins so that we can spend an eternity with Him. 

Isaiah 43:2-4
When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I gave Egypt, Ethiopia, and Seba as a ransom for your freedom. Others died that you might live. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you." 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "His grace is sufficient; His power is made perfect in your weakness"

I had a friend tell me by not trusting people I was missing out on relationships. I couldn't help myself. I just felt ugly and unloved most of the time. I still carried these feelings with me even though the doctors had fixed my eye. I still lived in timidity after a community had gotten over my dad's sin. I still walked in disgrace even though I had moved six hours away and became a young married graduate student.  I had stopped trusting that I was precious to God so that people didn't even have a chance. I didn't realize that God was using these hurts to make me ready to humble myself for His cause. I had no idea that He was going to use my pain for His purpose. I just knew I was in a deep depression. 

The young girl that had bullied me had long since grown up and had kids of her own but I was still hanging on. I had moved area codes but I had not moved on!

I realized something had to give when I wasn't chosen to do something at my church. I was so angry. Where is this anger coming from I thought. Behind the anger was deep hurt and resentment. It was years of carrying someone else's shame. It was years of not being wanted. I guess I never really dealt with these feelings of rejection. I had only superficially, on the surface contemplated how to calm my pain. I had memorized verses on the bus but why hadn't they resided in my soul? How come they hadn't changed my body image. Why do I still stand back and shy away in a crowd when I can sing on a stage? Why I not living loved?

It came down two words: Belief and Focus. I had to make sure those words I was reading, mediating on, and praying were believed. Why doesn't "my Father loves me" resonate? I am chosen by God as a daughter in His kingdom. Why am I not acting like it? I am set apart. I am not ordinary. Jesus's blood covers me. My robe will be spotless and white. 

I AM NOT MEANT TO BE JUST ANY CHARACTER IN THE PLAY. I HAVE THE LEAD IF I'M LIVING FOR HIM. I JUST NEED TO REMEMBER TO LOOK FOR HIS APPLAUSE ALONE! I'M SUPPOSED TO STEAL THE SHOW BUT FOR HIS GLORY! MY PURPOSE IS TO WIN SOULS AND NOT ACCOLADES OF PEOPLE! As Christ's messenger I may not be well liked. People usually want to shoot the messenger. You and I are meant to be God's Holy priests. While Jesus was rejected by the people, He was precious to God. We, being God's ambassadors, better be ready for rejection. 

2 Thessalonians 2:13b "God picked you out as His from the very start." We are handpicked by our Savior!

1 Peter 2:4-6 "Come to Christ, who is the living cornerstone of God's temple. He was rejected by the people, but he is precious to God who chose him. And now God is building you, as living stones, into his spiritual temple. What's more you are God's holy priests, who offer the spiritual sacrifices that please him because of Jesus Christ." God is pleased with you because of His son.

So why I was rejected! Maybe, it has to do with the fact that I am my Father's daughter! I was not chosen by others because I was meant for bigger things! So are you!

One event in my life I will never forget is being at the mall with my friends from church. Yes, this is another middle school experience. I remember a boy, Jason, yelling and making obscene gestures because of our faith. He later apologized and all was forgiven. 

Something to ponder. What is low self-esteem but a lie from the devil about who we are in relation to the Love God has for us?  Some of the devil's favorite work is making us feel unloved. Unfortunately, I had gotten it all wrong! I wasn't supposed to feel better about my appearance or abilities. I was supposed to be ABSOLUTELY assured of God's goodness and love for me. 

I needed to keep my eyes on His Image and NOT my mirror image. He wanted me to reflect on Him and not look to closely at my reflection.

John 3:30 "He must increase (His being, His presence in my life), but I must decrease (emphasis mine)."

All other thoughts of rejection fade away in His presence and healing takes place. When I focus on His Kingdom the rejection that I have been writing about is no longer important. People are important but not for their love for me but so that I would love them as Christ loves them. 

Feeling loved requires giving of my time to basque in HIM. I may need to put my iPAD down. I might want to not scroll Face book so much or focus on Internet games. It could take me turning off the TV every once in a while. What do you need to give up so that He can increase? What is God asking you to add by accepting Jesus's love and death for you on the cross. 

Fear has ruled most of my life. Fear of rejection, fear of the future, fear of being alone. I am not overcome by fear anymore. It doesn't overwhelm me. Yes, episodes of fear can still creep up but it doesn't  cripple me. 

God has made me dauntless. My fear is abating day by day and in its place is supernatural courage. Without my complete confidence in God's love and acceptance I would never be able to share my pain with you. We say that experiences shape our lives. No, I say its God's goodness and the degree of our total trust and acceptance of His love for us through the reading of his Word that shapes our future.

How many of you would give your only child to save another person's life? Not me. My child is precious. I won't give her up.

1 John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave his only son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life."

God loves you in the midst of your sin and shame. Don't carry it anymore. Give it to Jesus.

Romans 5:8 "But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners." I'm so glad I can come to God dirty. I'm so thankful he doesn't see my sin but Jesus's righteousness. Even though we are forgiven in Christ we are constantly being restored in Jesus. We continue to sin but it's covered and with God's help corrected.

2 Corinthians 3:16-18 "But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, then the veil is taken away. Now, the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, he gives freedom. And all of us have had that veil removed so that we can be mirrors that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord. And as the Spirit of the Lord works within us, we become more and more like him and reflect his glory even more."

We are precious in His sight.

Thankfully, Jesus gives us an Eternity of love to overcome any and ALL insecurities, hurts, and circumstances.  And the eternity doesn't have to start in Heaven. He wants to shield you from hurt in the here and now. Yes, as Christians we will have pain. We will suffer but He will lighten our burdens if we let Him.  Be SECURE in Him and His Love, my friend and you'll be surprised how many people are drawn to you. You'll be surprised how it won't matter anymore. I love people but I no longer crave their attention. No, I crave and need My Father's adoration and He gives it freely. You'll be surprised how many storms you can flourish in and overcome. Your future is no longer hinged on what you can do, who you are, or what you look like. Your future is reflected in Him. He will provide for you. He will provide you love, friends, and family. He will provide you safety, security, solace, and serenity. He will provide you courage when you are in the midst of a trial. I'm thankful for the trial of rejection. God used rejection to school me in resilience and reliance on Him. Rejection was the stomping ground to prepare me for the next trial, infertility.

Leaning on Him will make you dauntless.